If comfortable were my mantra, I’d never heal.
I’ve done my best to be comfortable without truly diving into reality but none of them were natural. Overdrinking, overeating, overthinking, bad abusive relationships and on and on went the game. Comfortably numb through skills of denial, addictions and disassociation – these were my tools to stay comfortably numb.
Stay comfortable no good counselor would suggest. But, what does comfortable really mean? The definition of comfortable is “providing physical ease and relaxation.”
Hmmmm, how does someone coming through severe trauma do this? With addiction and all the skills I noted above, that’s how I did it. My body knew no comfort as a child. My soul, body and emotions were struck time and time again with mayheim, confusion, neglect and sheer terror. Maybe sitting in a hot tub comforts my physical being for a short time but still it does little for the integration of the torment my soul.
I am certifiably an expert at trying to replicate comfort, for sure. The problem is: I don’t know what it really feels like. How do I attain something I’ve possibly never felt?
Peace is another thing. Peace is something I can gain in the midst of the uncomfortable.
I have learned that by maintaining a numb zone through whatever means I can does leave me in a place of no pain monentarily. The problem is that it doesn’t last and whilst I’m numb, more pain can be created around me because I’m not paying attention.
Be careful of our addictive places that help us numb. More pain usually finds us there.
I am however, peaceful.
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