Denial.
Plain and simple.
Oh, there are other reasons too. But in my experience, this is the most common. Often, it is paired with other motivations…but denial is the underpinning of all family incest secrets.
Incest families eat, sleep and drink denial. At a very young age we are directed to deny our own feelings and experiences. We are taught to deny reality. Abuses against ourselves and others in the family. And it all bleeds out from there.
Those of us who grew up in an incestuous familes may experience dissociation and avoidance of negative feelings in adulthood. We may doubt our perceptions, particularly in intimate relationships. Denying problems is one of the hallmarks of a these families and it starts from birth.
DON’T TALK. DON’T TRUST. DON’T FEEL.
The message is: Act like everything is fine and make sure everyone else thinks were a perfectly normal family. This is extremely confusing for children who sense that something is wrong, but no one acknowledges what it is. So, we children of abuse often conclude that we are the problem.
In so many cases, family members are simply not willing or able to look at the heinous truth. They do not possess the strength or willingness to accept that sexual abuse was perpetrated within the family. It stands to reason that once their eyes are open to the truth, they would have an obligation to deal with its implications. This means holding abusers accountable, listening to victims’ feelings no matter how uncomfortable it makes them, reckoning with their own and other people’s mistakes, and admitting dark family secrets.
It requires protecting minors and other vulnerable people from the possibility that abusers might re-offend — or already have.
It means risking other people’s anger and doing the right thing, no matter how difficult. Unfortunately, far too few family members live up to these challenging moral imperatives. Instead, by denying or minimizing the abuse, they find a way to avoid dealing with its widespread and significant implications.
Do the right thing.
B🤍
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